So let me regale you with the unimportant minutiae that compromise my life, because nothing screams self-obsessed more than inane insignificant observations that make me feel like I am not really so insipid to think that my life rises above that of the tedious humdrum.
So lets play a game. Below are 26 factoids about my life, one for each letter of the alphabet. 25 of them are absolutely true. Only one of them is a lie. Tell me which one of the following statements you think is false.
A: I once lived in Guadalajara, Mexico for 4 years but I don’t remember much of it.
B: A marriage of mine lasted for only 52 days before separation.
C: David Gordon Green, the director of the film Pineapple Express, was also the cinematographer of my sophomore year student film.
D: My worst job ever: High school age linen sorter and washing machine operator at a hospital laundry facility during the AIDS crisis in the mid-80s.
E: I have a picture of Pat Lalama actually petting a llama.
F: The furthest north I have ever traveled is Carcross, Yukon Territory.
G: I just had to look up the word “furthest” on the internet to see if I used it correctly and I am still unsure so I left the abovementioned sentence alone.
H: My hands turned green briefly for a time from a job I had putting logo stickers on brand new straw brooms coming off the assembly line. What is even stranger is that I got the job by applying at the headquarters of the McKee Baking Company who makes Little Debbie snack cakes.
I: The first lottery ticket I bought in Los Angeles hit 4 out of 6 numbers, including the mega number, but I threw the ticket away because I was under the erroneous impression that you had to hit all 6 numbers to win anything.
J: I once enjoyed a “quicky” on the sky ride at Opryland.
K: I fell asleep one time while standing up holding a boom microphone over my head.
L: One New Year’s I took a picture of a drunk girl kneeling on a chair facing the wall and I put a caption on it that asked, “Blair Witch?” That same night another guy took a video of the same girl giving him a blowjob.
M: I had to sit in a police department waiting area in Texas while a family member was being questioned about bringing baby parrots across the Mexican border.
N: I was in a car wreck where my older sister got her long hair all tangled up on the rear view mirror and she had to get her hair cut short in order to extricate her from the car.
O: I directed the first ever English language play translated from Spanish that was written by the world famous Puerto Rican playwright Roberto Ramos Perea and he was present at the opening.
P: In an early poem of mine I compared Mammoth Cave in Kentucky to my ex-wife’s vagina.
Q: At one time I could run a mile in under 5 minutes. My best time that I remember was 4:47.45 my freshman year in high school.
R: I had to sit in a principal’s office all day because I was accused of taking off the lug nuts from expensive student vehicles in the parking lot and all I had to eat that day before I went home were Jelly Belly Beans.
S: Sharon Stone told Lisa Gregorich, my boss at Hard Copy, that I looked like a fat Robert Downey, Jr., after I greeted them at the premiere of Hollywood Animal Crusaders.
T: I got so mad that I got blocked in while parked at a strip mall that after 20 minutes of waiting for the owner to return I then physically pushed a Mazda Miata out of the way and into the street even though the rear wheels were locked because of the hand break.
U: I was involved in a ménage á trois situation that sometimes included threesomes with two lesbians. The situation with the lesbians lasted for more than a year for some strange reason. They were lesbians and hated when I suggested that maybe they were really bisexual. This question of mine is what made them stop having sex with me or so they claimed.
V: I saw a homeless person spitting and stomping and cursing Lorne Greene’s star on the Walk of Fame.
W: I got a “B” in an acting class my Senior year that knocked me out of the running for valedictorian and salutatorian at graduation. Turns out the person who got valedictorian was the daughter of the same acting teacher and one of the Deans of the University.
X: I refractured my arm in the same spot two days after I got the cast taken off.
Y: I carried around a replaced driveshaft in the bed of my truck for about a year because I was afraid to throw it in a dumpster because I knew the serial number on it could be traced back to my truck. Finally I stashed it in the front of my parking space of my apartment building. Then recently my landlord said I couldn’t leave it there anymore. So now it is in the bed of my truck again.
Z: I have an inversed body dysmorphic disorder image problem where I see myself in my mind’s eye as thinner or at least as thin as I was when I was younger in the past. So when I see current pictures of myself as grossly obese in actuality, I feel shock, intense shame, embarrassment, and guilt, and I try desperately to keep tags of those pictures away from my Facebook profile. This is the reason why I wear black clothing most of the time.